26 Sep 2016

Clarity

For the first time in months I am seeing everything clearly. It's like I've had an epiphany and I'm noticing everything at once. I've been drifting through this year in full belief that I was fine, that I was alright and that I didn't need my meds - I was so wrong, I feel like I am a part of the world again and that I can take it and anything anyone would like to throw my way. For the first time in months I feel strong again.

I started feeling this way on saturday, I was able to understand what I was being told without over thinking and believing that everyone was out to get me. I can now disagree with people without the need to defend my beliefs and show you why I must be right. I honestly feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders - and even though I am only a few days into my meds, I can feel them working already - I am not numb, I am not on autopilot, I love fully and understand deeply and I feel okay again.

This post is mainly for the non-believers, for those people who disagree with the path I have chosen to follow and those who misunderstand my reasoning behind my meds. I have a disease, an illness (I am depressive) but with the use of my medication I can be that person who people know and love - without it, I become a horrible person. I will continue to monitor myself of course as this is only my initial
positive reaction but thus far I feel like I can breathe again, I am okay and I will ensure I remain okay.

23 Sep 2016

Here I am again....

I feel like I've taken a step backwards, last night I took my first anti-depressant again. For the last few weeks I've been feeling myself slipping backwards and I haven't done or said anything about it because I was too afraid to admit that I'm not okay.

I will probably have to start my anti-anxieties again soon too but I'm trying like anything to old on to the fact that I'm not overcome by anxiety again. I know myself though and I don't like who I become when I'm in my state - I'm angry, I'm lashing out and I'm overreacting to the littler things in life again. I am unmotivated, I can't seem to find the motivation needed to do my work, or get up in the mornings. I hate getting up, I hate being this person and I suppose by default I really don't like myself.

If I had to describe who I am, I'm extremely happy, happy as they come, then someone says something to set me off and I hit a rage in 2.5 seconds - then I'll be down, I'll be so unhappy and I won't know why, but something will happen and I'll hit either rage or extreme happiness again in less time than it takes for a normal person to realize
the mood they are in. There is no in between with me lately and I need to find a balance or it will get out of control again.

I am not this person, I refuse to be, so I've taken a step - one I know I needed to take for my and my loved ones' sanity. This also means that I am now numb though, I am anxiety stricken because as my body adjusts it causes anxiety, and I am tired - very very tired.

I've been putting off writing a new post for some time because I had nothing really to day - well here it is, I have had something to say, I just didn't want to hear it. I begin to question if I will ever be okay, I suppose only time will tell.


15 Sep 2016

I'm okay - I don't need you.

Its funny how you can wake up in such a good mood, the morning will go smoothly and then one thing happens and you are floored, done, finished. I can't catch my breath and I can feel I'm on the brink of a full blown panic attack and all I want to do is crawl into a little ball, sob my eyes out and have the world swallow me whole so that none of this pain and nostalgia can be felt,

I feel numb yet at the same time I'm feeling every emotion I felt growing up . I'm out of breath like I've been running, like I held my breath for too long and like I've got the flu. Everything aches, my entire body is tired, my heart is beating up a storm and I'm so close to tears I can taste the sorrow I'm feeling. I'm keeping myself from going further, so I've got that going for me - I can stop my full scale panic attack - I just need to control the rest of me now.

Why are you in my head? Why can I not just get through a day without you in my head? I'm fatigued all the damn time because I'm fighting you off - I'm fighting off my memories of you and I'm fighting you all the time. Why can I not let go???

I need to forgive you, for my own sanity and for the sake of those around me... but (and I suppose this is exactly why I can't let go, because there is always a but) if I forgive you, I'm afraid I forget the pain you put me through and try, like an idiot, to fix things again and I cannot do that to myself.

I just need to not be so angry at you all the time - I continue to work on my happiness and my freedom from you and who you are.

The lump in my throat grows with every passing second making it harder and harder for me to breath but I can hold it there, I can and will keep myself from breaking all together, no matter the pain, no matter the thoughts - I can not let you control me any longer, you may not have that power any longer. You may not be a part f my life and I will not try to involve you in it anymore - I don't need you.

I'm tired now, emotionally drained and all I really want to do is to take a nap but alas I am at work.

I'm okay - I don't need you.

12 Sep 2016

Biologically a Father - Realistically a Donor

I'm not sure why, but you've been on my mind a lot lately - yes I'm talking directly to you today. I hate this feeling that you fill me up with - I hate that you are such a useless father and I hate that I'm thinking about you. I have grown so much since you last bothered to check in, by the way I'm still alive and I'm still doing alright regardless of where you are or what you're doing.

I wish I could get you out of my head, everytime I think I'm okay without you, there you are in my thoughts - I'm thinking about you, dreaming about you and worst of all I'm missing you more than anything. I'm not sure how this is even possible to be quite honest, how can I miss someone who has really never been there for me. How do I miss that which I have never really  known?

I really wish you weren't such an asshole, I wish I could have an actual father daughter relationship with you and that you knew what it was to love someone other than yourself. I never want to be like you are - I've said this before, I know, but I really never want to put my future children through the same torment that you have put me through. I will be the kind of mother that my mom was, I will be strong, reliable and loving.

I really haven't lost anything with you, there was never anything to lose. I have a wonderful mother and I don't need more than that because my mom (although I know you disagree - because you're a pig) is the most amazing, awesome (in the true sense of the word) woman that's ever lived. You may have tried to break the both of us, but what you did only brought us closer together and really, thank you for that.

7 Sep 2016

The 'What did I do?' Question...

Being who I am, I spend a lot of time in my head. I overthink just about everything I do, say and feel and then some; but this doesn't stop with me, I overthink anything anyone else has said, done or made me feel and I analyse it to a point where a compliment is no longer recognisable under my scrutiny (why did he say I look pretty today but not yesterday?). Because with me, a word isn't just a word - it's always an attack, a compliment has to mean something more than I'm pretty.

So when I am told I've done something wrong I relook at everything I may have said, everything that may have been taken as more than a joke and I turn that on myself to try and see how I would have reacted, 9 out of 10 times, if I really think about it, I was in the wrong and probably would have reacted way differently to what the other person did. My question to myself is though, how do I stop this? I obviously can't just say what I please and expect the world to be fine and dandy with my 'jokes' so how do  curb myself from making those same mistakes over and over again?

I could say that I could monitor what I say more diligently but I know that I wouldn't be able to keep to that, I know that I would end up becoming more of a reserved person than I've ever been and I really don't want to do that. I've asked certain people to call me out on it when I do end up stepping over the line but when these people do, do this, I end up lashing out at them or even pushing away. Later (either the same day after I've given it some thought or maybe a few days/weeks/months) I will inevitably end up going back with my tail between my legs and talking it out like a grown ass person.

It often feels like I'm alone in this, logically I know it's not true because there have to be other people out there trying to figure out where they go wrong in their day to day lives - *HINT, if you're asking yourself a lot, 'Why is my friend/lover/partner pissed at me?, then you are more than likely in the same boat as I am and if I ever do come up with a solution that doesn't make me want to just jump off the world, I'll let you know.

5 Sep 2016

Depression is Hard Work

Having depression, it makes it hard for me to differentiate between the day to day bad moods and the overall horrible feeling that sits on my chest when I'm going through a particularly dark patch of my life, because what people need to understand is, it's not just a feeling of sadness that suddenly engulfs you one morning - it's a gradual bad mood that creeps up on you day by day until you are drowning and so far in that you are not sure how to get yourself out... you are screaming for help but no one seems to hear you and if you admit to these feelings you're sure people will just tell you to grow a pair. 

In fact you are telling yourself to grow a pair the entire way through this horrible ordeal that self hate ends up creeping in and making itself at home too and by the time you realise how far in you are, most people have already given up and walked away because they couldn't take the constant bad mood and general discomfort you brought about with your mere presence. 

I hated that phase of my life, I hated myself and I hated who I was to the person I was with and to absolutely everyone around me. I despised it so much that I vowed I would never go back there (knowing full well that there probably will come a time where I will be so demotivated to do anything and my Uni marks would drop again and people around me would suffer). 

These days I monitor myself so diligently for any signs of that miserable woman I was before - and it is absolutely exhausting - I watch my bad moods, I check how long they last and make sure that i don't take it out on anyone else. I watch my weepy moments and make sure I don't unpack in that dark place I was before. I am determined to be as happy as I can even though I can't guarantee any of this will help, I give my absolute everything because I'll be damned if my depression is gonna stand in the way of anyone who gives a damn about me. I tirelessly work at being a better person because it will all be worth it when I see I have not hurt anyone at the end of the day. I want to be wanted in people's company and not be a wet blanket people are forced to invite along because I used to be someone they could talk to.

I still have my weepy days where everything is just too damn much for me to take, when the world seems to be collapsing around me - but those are the days I work hardest at convincing myself that I am okay, that I will be fine and that I need to just unpack for a while before I continue on this uphill battle called life. 

At least this is my experience...

1 Sep 2016

Here's to You, You Strong Amazing Woman....

It's a little ridiculous how one person can rock your world so completely that you forget how to breathe without them there, and then when they leave, it's like you're gone too, your whole heart was invested in that one person and they took it upon themselves to decide that you were not worth the effort, that you didn't deserve happiness and that you were not worth their time, effort and love.

It's crazy how this one person is the world to you and you have yet to find out that you aren't even a flower petal in theirs. I bring this up because my best friend is still hurting from the damage caused by one person, the one person that was meant to keep her safe and happy and make her feel like she is an entire universe all on her own. He took it upon himself to manipulate and emotionally abuse this beautiful, extraordinary woman and for that I will never forgive him - he picked a rose and proceeded to pluck every petal until there was nothing left for him to tarnish and then what does he do? Drops the stem of course and off he goes free as a bird and happy as they come.

The thing about roses though, they are beautiful regardless of what someone else has taken from them. My friend, it absolutely kills me that you are in this much pain and there's little to nothing I can do about it but I can promise that it really does get better. I promise you, one day, you will feel better again, you will love again and this time, beware the man that tries to break you - because not only will we take them down, but you will be strong enough to show them that you really actually don't need them and your life and they on't deserve even one of your tears.

It does get better, you are amazing, you are stunning and you will get through this but until that time, my shoulders are yours to cry on whenever and for as long as you need.

I love you