Not Pain, But Joy

When I think of you, I think of your infectious smile, I think of your 'swagger' and the way you could strut into any place and make everyone feel so special simply because you chose to speak them (me). When I think of you I think of your laugh, it had this ability to make everyone else laugh, not because it was a particularly funny chuckle but simply because it was so infectious. When I think of you, I think not of the pain you've caused but rather the joy you left.

You could always make a bad day good with little to no effort, which is why when you left, I didn't quite remember how to turn my own days around, so there were endless phone calls between two countries, one heart calling out to one already taken. When you speak to me lately it brightens up an entire day but then leaves that sad nostalgic feeling in the pit of my stomach like there's something missing in my life - you're what's missing by the way, I know this. I have been asked why I still do this to myself, why I still speak to you, it's simple really : I would rather have you in my life as an amazing friend as nothing at all. You cannot help that you don't feel the way I do and I can't help that I do; so put quite simply - I don't want you to not be a part of my life even if that means that every fibre of my being aches afterwards.

I am so glad that you are happy, you seem to be living the dream that side of the world,, you have always made everything seem so effortless, so easy to do and so hard to mess up on - then again you do have 17 years on me, haha 17 years more experience, wisdom and skill.

You, my friend, are one in a million - and quite frankly - I am not sure how I would carry on if I could not have you in my life, even just as a mate.