Anxious Minds Unite!

I've been stuck with a bit of writer's block over the past few days and quite honestly I've been so busy I've not been able to post anything. I've had the best weekend, I spent time with my friends, with my new boyfriend (and yes I hate the word more than I should but honestly it sounds so juvenile), I even went to the plot and spent some time with my mom - it really has been a great few days; then why do I feel like utter crap this morning?

I've been riddled with anxiety and just an overall bad mood since I got up and I can't seem to figure out why and how to get out of it. I tried reasoning that he had snapped at me this morning when we woke up but honestly am I that sensitive and if I am can I really look at myself in the mirror with a straight face and not call myself an idiot? After pondering about it just about the whole morning I know that it can't be that, I know that he didn't mean to snap at me and that I'm quite honestly being a 'ninny'.

My best guess is that this is the cause of a bit of overspending this weekend and the fact that my car officially went in for it's 90 000km service today. I don't like sitting without a car and I much less like the feeling that I may have to pay for something (even though I have a service plan). I'm hoping that the real reason hits me during the day and that I can then deal with the obvious anxiety that I'm feeling towards it. It could be about the family drama that's unfolding slowly but surely, but yet again I can't be sure.

Thing is I'm coming up with reasons for my angst but I'm not feeling like anyone of them is the true cause - I suppose I do just have my 'off' days and I have to deal with them as they hit. I do remember waking up last night with a full on panic attack and being able to calm myself down so it definitely has nothing to do with anything that happened this morning - quite possibly it's the fact that I''m officially in a relationship again - I'm scared I lose sight of myself and everything I've worked towards. This guy makes me happier than I've been in a really long time, I suppose I just have my own relationship issues to work on - I've never been all that good when I've been with someone and this is obviously just a branch of me fearing for it's safety.

That is definitely the reason actually, the moment I started typing I felt the weight lift off my chest. I feel like I can breath again. Having him in my life is really so fantastic - I just need to keep in mind who I am and what I want without pushing someone that means so much to me away. Keep repeating the mantra 'Don't be retarded Desre'...

Anyway I generally use these posts to help others and to try and motivate and I apologise that that's not the case today, today I needed to be a bit selfish and sort out my emotions and what was going on in my own head - this will actually quite possibly explain things about me to people that are close to me though so I think in a way it may have helped someone other than me...

Thank you

Scaredy cat?

I've realised today that I'm scared, scared to fall in love, scared to get hurt, scared to let go and jump into something with someone. I am afraid of ending up like I was before - alone and broken. I feel like the moment I hand myself over to someone again as completely as I did with my ex, I'll just wind up getting dropped like before.

My last break up shook me, I was at a point in my life where I was unhappy with who I was so I tried everything in my power to push everyone who came marginally close to me, as far away as possible. I succeeded with the one person who had the ability to make me feel worse than I ever had before, this (I know) was my own doing and it absolutely killed me. I liked to believe that I was not in love with him, that I had the upper hand and that at that point nothing could touch me - I was very much in a selfish space. A year ago I was a completely different person. A year ago I was a horrible person.

I like to think that I've learnt from my mistakes, I am now completely healed and I will be a better person in my next relationship, but what scares the hell out of me - what really gets me running for the hills - maybe I haven't... maybe even after all this soul searching and countless hours of therapy, after being ripped apart and stitching up my wounds without any anesthetic, what if I'm just the same as I always have been in a relationship?

I can only hope that by taking things slowly and moving one step at a time, not pulling a Usain Bolt, I can catch myself before I revert back to that part of myself - fix it before I completely ruin myself for good. The only certainty I do have, is the knowledge that there are people out there that will help me back up, dust me off and show me that there truly is some good in this world and for that I love you guys.

Living With My Anxiety...

I've noticed that I always end up feeling a little awkward, regardless of where I am, what I'm doing or how comfortable I am with the people I'm with - there's always that little part of me inside telling me that I'm missing the point of a joke or worse yet that I am the butt of the joke. This I can generally chalk up to my anxiety issues but sometimes I can't seem to shrug it off and I don't know why. I have been this way for as long as I can remember and I've always felt like the world is against me for some obscure reason.

I'm sure there are other people out there that constantly feel singled out, like the entire world has turned to look at you because 'Have I really just said that?' but even with an estimated 7.4 billion people on the planet, when these feelings strike, you feel completely alone and you've got to separate what you are feeling (what's going on only inside your head) from what is actual reality and therein really lies the tricky part, because how do you really connect with people when you brain is constantly telling you that your best friend's are talking about you behind your back or that your mom really loves your brothers more than you and that nobody actually cares what you think so why are you even bothering.

It's been a tricky situation for me to navigate through in my life and I've only recently realised that this is actually something I can control rather than something I just have to live with - I noticed that if I step back, take a deep breath and try to convince myself to be okay in reality rather than living with an ill version of myself in my head because when I do that I feel like I can see a little more clearly than before and the feeling, while still there is a little more faded than before.

I'm not sure if this would work for everyone but I know it works for me and hell if it makes me feel at least that tiny bit better, maybe it could for anyone else going through the same emotional turmoil I do when this arises.

To those people out there who have to deal with people like me on a daily basis, be a little gentler on us please - we find it difficult enough to say what we want without feeling like complete idiots and when we are teased to the extent that you would tease anyone else, I feel like it just hurts that little bit more (or this has been my experience). To those people who deal with me and make me feel welcome and normal even when I feel like my mind is ripping me to pieces, just... Thank you for being as amazing and tolerating as you are - maybe this post helps you understand a little more of what I'm feeling.

What's a little step further?

Its funny how our lives can change by a flap of a butterfly's wings (or something equally gentle); one moment you are on the highway of life driving 120km/h and all the other cars around you are going the same way, everything seems fine and dandy and then next moment the cars have all turned around and now you're dodging everything that's coming your way (and holy shit is that a truck...), and of course in that same way everything can flip in your favour too and the moment the truck is about to hit you, it's gone and you're the one in the fast lane looking like a fool breaking as hard as you possibly can.

If I had to look at my life over the past two years, thats exactly whats been happening to me... one moment I thought I was happy and safe in my relationship and the next we were broken up, I had to fix a broken car, give back my brother's car, move house and make sure I was keeping it together all at the same time. Then of course we get all settled in, I get a handle on my depression, I get a new car... then life decides that its has actually been too chilled lately and goes WELL BOOM and my mom loses her job, then its moving house back closer to work, trying to make ends meet, losing a pet and stressing over whether my mom is okay on the plot because while I know she technically has company - we were basically best friends and now she hasn't got me there to talk to anymore and I miss her more and more daily.

Life is nowhere near like a box of chocolates in my eyes because sure you never know what you are gonna get Forrest, but at least the good trumps the bad regardless of which chocolate you get, life is very much more like driving through Van Reenens... it could be sunny... it could be raining... hell it could be freaking snowing through Van Reenens while the rest of South africa has a nice hot day.

I know that I'll triumph over anything life can throw at me though, I know that much because I have been tested so many times and everytime I have come out stronger and better for it, just know that, if you are going through a tough time and you aren't sure how the hell you are going to start seeing the light again, you always will get through it - hell you've come this far, what's a little step further?

To those who came into my life and never left.

I am reminded today of how much I have gone through, how much I have endured to get to where I am today. The amount of bullshit that I have put up with over the years... I cannot believe that I got through all of that (marginally) unscathed. I have been fortunate enough to have crossed paths with some unforgettable people who have helped me so much, whether it was driving me around when I didn't have any mode of transportation, or simply giving me advice when I didn't know I needed it most.

I survived my childhood and that was simply thanks to one of the most amazing women I know. I survived a horrid company that worked everyday to break me down and show me that I am not the person I have lived my life believing I was - this I can't say I did on my own, the key people know who they are and I'm better for knowing these people. I survived a break up that I was sure would break me for good but yet again thanks to people in my life at the time, I managed to beat my depression and realise that a bigger problem was at play.

Basically I'm saying don't let anyone tell you that there are no good people out there, they are, I am fortunate to call these people family whether blood related or by the mere fact that they will one day be my children's godparents. Never take these good people for granted because regardless of who they are and what they mean to you, taking a purely good person for granted, will determine your own success or failure.

Self Realisation

In growing and bettering myself, I am starting to see the need to appreciate my own company. I get far too lonely far too quickly and in all technicality this should not be the case, I should be able to spend time alone without feeling the need to pick up my phone and invite someone over - take this weekend for example, I will have to spend the entire weekend alone because my friends are out of town but deep down I know that from the moment I get home on Friday I will be 1. missing the hell out of them and 2. craving some sort of human connection.

This is a very strange feeling for me, before I moved in with my ex I was able to spend weeks alone holed up in my apartment with nothing but my books and my laptop for company, a person would swear I've lost myself in this whole game they call relationships. But maybe that's the thing, maybe I have lost who I was and it's for a good reason, I was not in a good space in that time - I was not a happy person and whenever I was around people I was not very nice to them.

Am I alone in this? Am I the only person that can't stand spending a night alone? And is this really so wrong? I strive to find these answers and I really come up blank. I tend to consider myself a marginally intelligent person so the fact that this is stumping me, is slightly worrying.

I crave an emotional, intellectual and physical connection with someone - I miss the feeling of the beginning of a relationship, I miss the excitement of not knowing what's to come and I definitely miss waking up next to someone everyday but what I don't miss is the monotony. I don't like the comfort zone couples get into when they have been together for some time. Hell if our relationship has started off with sparks flying and passionate kisses then lets continue that well into our relationship, why must we stop flirting simply because we've been together for over 3 months (or whatever the case may be).

I may be asking a lot here but, am I really? To keep fire and fun alive in a relationship, is that too much hard work? I know I am guilty too but isn't this what self realisation is all about - figuring out what you don't want and not settling for anything less than what it is you do. Call me egotistical but I want a hot guy that looks after himself, I look after myself and I'm working on getting hot (which by the way I'm also okay with in a partner).

This post took a turn and I ended up just speaking my mind but i'm okay with that =P

Not Pain, But Joy

When I think of you, I think of your infectious smile, I think of your 'swagger' and the way you could strut into any place and make everyone feel so special simply because you chose to speak them (me). When I think of you I think of your laugh, it had this ability to make everyone else laugh, not because it was a particularly funny chuckle but simply because it was so infectious. When I think of you, I think not of the pain you've caused but rather the joy you left.

You could always make a bad day good with little to no effort, which is why when you left, I didn't quite remember how to turn my own days around, so there were endless phone calls between two countries, one heart calling out to one already taken. When you speak to me lately it brightens up an entire day but then leaves that sad nostalgic feeling in the pit of my stomach like there's something missing in my life - you're what's missing by the way, I know this. I have been asked why I still do this to myself, why I still speak to you, it's simple really : I would rather have you in my life as an amazing friend as nothing at all. You cannot help that you don't feel the way I do and I can't help that I do; so put quite simply - I don't want you to not be a part of my life even if that means that every fibre of my being aches afterwards.

I am so glad that you are happy, you seem to be living the dream that side of the world,, you have always made everything seem so effortless, so easy to do and so hard to mess up on - then again you do have 17 years on me, haha 17 years more experience, wisdom and skill.

You, my friend, are one in a million - and quite frankly - I am not sure how I would carry on if I could not have you in my life, even just as a mate.