19 May 2016

I Choose Happiness

Today I will try write about something happy, (even though when I wrote that line I lost all inspiration to actually write) the world is filled with bad people, bad things those people do, bad energy, terrible happening and horrific events. Finding something positive in life is a must, though some days might be harder than others - I'm sure if I put my mind to it I can do it, I can write about beaming positivity and silver linings.

Positive point numero uno, I have a mom who loves me and cares for me - she does everything in her power to make her kids happy and to keep them that way, even on the days where it feels like I have nothing left and I have no one to turn to, I have my mom. I love you mom.

Secondly, I have friends in my life who can make me laugh no matter what we have been through or are going through. Hell after Des and I were in the accident, Lu picked us up (from ladysmith - he was at the Dam) drove us alll the way back where Lu's mom made us lie on the floor with our feet in the air - Des and I had so many pain killers in our systems though that we lied there laughing our asses off  at what had literally happened a few hours ago... That's tru friendship and honestly guys even though I probably say it too little, I love you guys and I am always here through the good and the bad - you guys are absolutely fantastico :D

Third one, I work for an amazing company that knows what it's employees are worth and treats them as such. No matter how much I think I mess up, I'm told that I do a fantastic job and they don't want me to go anywhere.

I think that's enough positivity for one day (lets get real no one likes a person who's unreasonably optimistic).

I'm out!

18 May 2016

The Ability to Survive

I love it when people ask me if I'll be able to get by... Like, no but I'm just going to have to suck it up and do it won't I? I am a stronger person than most actually see, I protect my flame and inner strength until I absolutely need to let is shine through. It is only in difficult times or when I'm under pressure that people can see me for who I really am. I'm not that little kid you used to know, in fact I've grown into a strong, independent and resourceful woman.

Sure moving is going to be tough and yes there will be times when I won't want to get out of bed but what the hell else CAN I do? I have to get up every morning, I have to make sure I am fed, I have to make sure I can go to work because I need to stay alive; and if you think about it that is our main goal as humans isn't it? Staying alive and reproducing... I can't say I will reproduce any time soon but I do know that I will and I can survive... Hell I've gotten by before and I can do it again. 

The reason I can't stand it when someone says that they are incapable of doing something that they realistically have ingrained in them from birth, is because I have seen people in cushy lives and comfortable positions lose it all and have to work from scratch to get back up there. Material things mean absolutely nothing and in a world where people find it ok to test the resilience of animals and to steal from the person they claimed to be so in love with for a year, all you need is yourself and all you need to do is keep yourself afloat. There is no survival guide and unfortunately it's going to be a little like when it's so dark and your eyes haven't adjusted so you just feel around and hope to hell you don't trip and fall on your face... even so you get back up and try again. 

I'm not unrealistic and I know many people have their hardships and their load to carry and yes it is tough but if 17 others can do it, so can you, and so can I... The funny thing about this whole situation is, I can't even blame myself this time, because that's my fall back - if I can't blame anyone else, I blame me and I call myself all sorts of silly things like 'naíve' or 'stupid' or I berate myself for doing this to me and how could I. This is sort of cool actually, all of the stress with none of the blame on my family or me...  

Anyway, I do think I've left enough sarcasm here today to cover my quota for a year so I suppose I should continue to work and see how that turns out for me.

11 May 2016

Mental Capacity for More

I'm a sister, a daughter, a granddaughter, a mother to my fur kids and an aunt....
This sums me up right? You would think that with all these labels I would be able to tell you with certainty who I am and what I want, but the sad sorry truth is - personally, I don't think I will ever know who I am and if I can actually stick with something till its finished.

I am studying to be a teacher, battling depressing, often anxiety and I'm trying to be nice to people at the same time. I am constantly stressed out - I'm not sure whats going on around me because I'm stressing about 16 other things at once. I have my friends and my family but mostly I end up pushing them away because I have my own things to worry about or I'm too ashamed to be seen for the weak person that I truly am - so I come across as obnoxious and disrespectful (which really is not much better).

I'm not sure what I'm doing anymore, I'm not sure who I am and it's driving me mental. I feel like I'm always chasing my tail, never knowing which way to go and the only person I can be nice to is my best friend. I wake up in the morning feeling like I've been hit by a bus, like it's everyone else's fault that I have to get up and be at work by 6:30.

Some days are better than others - today is one of the more horrible days even though I'm off to write an exam in an hour (although this might be the reason for my spiral today). Tomorrow I might find brightness in the world yet again and maybe it will be better - but honestly for now, I just want to go home and be alone on my bed in the dark where no one can see me and where I can be alone.

This person who might actually ruin your day (not on purpose)