27 Jun 2014

Awake my soul - Mumford and Sons

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

Awake my soul
Awake my soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
My weakness I feel I must finally show
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
And where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker

Awake my soul
Awake my soul
Awake my soul
For you were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Come on skinny love just last the year
Pour a little salt, we were never here
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Staring at the sink of blood and crushed veneer

Tell my love to wreck it all
Cut out all the ropes and let me fall
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Right in this moment this order's tall

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

In the morning I'll be with you
But it will be a different kind
I'll be holding all the tickets
And you'll be owning all the fines

Come on skinny love, what happened here?
Suckle on the hope in lite brassieres
My, my, my, my, my, my, my, my
Sullen load is full, so slow on the split

And I told you to be patient
And I told you to be fine
And I told you to be balanced
And I told you to be kind

And now all your love is wasted
And then who the hell was I?
And I'm breaking at the britches
And at the end of all your lines

Who will love you?
Who will fight?
Who will fall far behind?
Ooh, ooh

A skinny love is defined as two people who are in love with each other but are too shy to speak up... I love this song but only found out tonight what it actually means... Now I love it even more.

24 Jun 2014

Access Revoked

So I learned today that there will be no more internet access at work....

No I'm not kidding there was an email sent out yesterday (I've been sick at home) stating that all internet rights have been revoked and should we need the internet for anything we need to fill out a form and submit it for approval.

How much more ridiculous is this place going to get, I mean honestly next we won't be allowed to open new files on our computers or use computers at all, we'll be forced to go back in time and use pen and paper for invoices and absolutely everything else!!

Really I should have seen this coming but honestly good luck to the CEO because nothing will get done now... Mark my words.

12 Jun 2014


Okay I can now write a motivational letter thanks to you and you - you know who you are!

I spoke to you again today to so that sort of cheered me up :) Talking to you puts things in perspective and for that I thank you. Without you this place would have been dull and I probably would not still have a job (as hard as that is to admit :P) so Thank you.

My momma is coming to visit me this weekend and that is going to be awesome! We usually have the biggest load of fun - we watch series we eat junk food (hope you're bringing me sweeties momma) and over all we vent like we have never vented before because my mom is my primary source of information and also the only one who will ever know me better than I know myself. See you soon Mommy

Even though there is so much going on around me I still feel alone. I have this emotion hovering over me and I cant expect people to understand that I'm so sad- that I will eventually probably get over it but for now the motivational crap isn't working, I just hate the way people say I need to move on with my life that I'm still young and will find someone else and whatever sure maybe I will but you know what for now I want you and none of that motivational stuff is going to work   because even though I stick a mask on my face everyday, I smile and laugh... hes always at the back of my mind- I always wonder if he's okay and if I will ever see him again... 

I sound pathetic... 

Herewith ends another depressing post- sorry, I'll try make the next slightly happier

9 Jun 2014


Sitting here at work I realise one thing- I am unappreciated, underpaid and not thought of in general- I do most things in this office but I am not a valued employee.

My job title is changing to office administrator but it seems I will never be eligible for a pay rise; it seems this way because as many times as I request a pay rise I get ignored... this is this amazing place just playing to its name all over again.

I may have mentioned before that I have been here for a total of 10 months- on a temporary contract from the day I walked in; I have now received my permanent contract, I still report to 2 people, I now have to start paying 50% of provident fund, I already pay UIF and I have my rent, groceries etc to pay but my contract states that my salary will remain the same. I of course do not agree.

Sitting here at work I realise one thing - I need to find myself a better place to work

8 Jun 2014


I feel alone 

I feel utterly and completely deserted by all human form or loving caress. Whether I physically am alone is a completely different story. 

I feel like one of those girls I make fun fun of in the movies- you know the one: she pines after the man of her dreams and acts like its the end of the universe because he's left. I feel like I've given up all of my morals about being a strong woman because I am now that pathetic woman. 

I have people who love me, many in fact, at this point I just feel like I may never find a soul mate (tacky word for it). I feel like I will live out my life alone and constantly in the way.

I used to laugh at woman artists who mourne about love lost now I cry with them. 

I feel alone. I feel like I'll never be understood. I feel alone.

5 Jun 2014

Here without you - 3 Doors Down

A hundred days have made me older
Since the last time that I saw your pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
And I don't think I can look at this the same

But all the miles that separate
Disappear now when I'm dreaming of your face

I'm here without you, baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you, baby

But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight it's only you and me, yeah.

The miles just keep rollin'
As the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated
But I hope that it gets better as we go, oh, yeah, yeah

I'm here without you, baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you, baby

But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, its only you and me

Everything I know, and anywhere I go (oh whoa)
It gets hard but it won't take away my love (oh whoa)
And when the last one falls
When it's all said and done
It gets hard but it wont take away my love, whoa, oh, oh

I'm here without you, baby
But you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you, baby
And I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you, baby

But you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, girl, it's only you and me

2 Jun 2014

Sincerely Desré

Hi, my name is Desré- I used to be your best friend- once upon a time when you still cared.

Isn't it sad how we've grown apart because you got a boyfriend? You were so excited when I moved here, so happy we'd be seeing one another more but now 10 months have passed and I've seen you once. 

We both have busy lives I know but puting time aside for one another used to be important too- I just can't help but feel we're drifting apart far more than we ever should. 

I miss the friends we used to be... 

23 May 2014


Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul

This poem I heard for the first time in the movie Invictus, amazing poem- the movie was okay but mostly I love these words.

20 May 2014


There are some people in this world who can ruin your day just by breathing the same air as you (mostly when they breath loudly) and then you get those people who can brighten up your day with a simple hello or even just a look (if they're close by). These are the people I have been focussing on today and I'm a cheery as a squirrel with many nuts!

One of these very AWESOME people is My Momma, she knows just when I need a "hello" (I call it mental telepathy but maybe its just because she's my mom). My mom is the most amazing woman I know, I realise daily how much I need her and how much life sucks without her around me. I love you my momma thank you for always being there when I need you <3

The other AWESOME person is Mr Mysterious, he's managed to turn my frown upside down this morning by simply chatting to me. For some reason I got out of bed in a really foul mood this morning and now I'm my chirpy self again. Thank you Mr, I needed that :)

Now its just onwards and upwards the rest of the day, I guess I just needed that nudge.

19 May 2014

Runway to Success

I finally feel like I'm going somewhere with my life, like I'm eventually living and not just standing idly as life passes me by. I'm on the runway to my future an the plane is taking off!

Today I get the ball rolling on my student loan- I have to just get my payslip scanned in and then my lease agreement as proof of residency, then I send that with all the relevant documentation to ABSA and hopefully get approved, I then register for my course at UNISA in June and then I start studying because exams are in November. After that it's only 3 and a half years and I'll have a bachelors degree in counselling psychology!

The mail to the HR department regarding my permanent contract was sent on Friday and I have been promised a raise to go with that- I have already drafted a letter to my boss incase there is no raise in my contract, so I'll have job security for a couple of years hopefully.

I was however rejected to get the Iphone 4s but I half expected that (I earn R100 short of their minimum) but my gran has said she'd take it out on her name and as soon as we can we can transfer the contract onto my name- at least then I'll have a decent phone!

Can you hear it? I definitely can!!!

16 May 2014

This Amazing Place

I've been working at this company for 9 months now-

I was first a PA to a pervy round penguin in the operations division for 6 months, he gave me minimal work to do but had the unfortunate habit of openly gawking at my chest (he gawked at men's crotches too- it was weird). He had the brand managers who reported to him and I did most of their admin too but then I had to do the CFO's admin, HR's admin and the CEO's wife's admin- so its safe to say I was kept busy most of the time. 

This of course was not busy enough for the CEO's wife and after working there for 5 months (one fixed term contract and one extension), I was given notice and told that because I had no work to do they were going to let me go when my contract extension ended (this after the pervy penguin had specified to HR after my 3 month fixed term contract ended that I was to be made permanent). So I moved on started looking for work everywhere and was offered the position I am in now- PA for the solar division.

Old Tom Cruise approached me and since his PA was going on maternity leave I would start working with them- I was told this was only on temporary basis and when my contract expired I would no longer be needed here. 

This whole time they have been paying me peanuts, even so I was grateful to have a job and almost excited because old Tom Cruise was talking about keeping me on permanent after his PA came back and was assuring me that he would have something done about my salary.

Now to give you an idea- my contract here in the solar division started on February 1st... it is now May... I'm still sitting on the same basic and only now has there been talks with upper management about a permanent contract...

I shall see where this road takes me but I must add that I am not very optimistic- 

"Glitter in the Air" Pink

Been addicted to this song lately, its just filled with such raw emotion and I love the way Pink gets it right.

Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Closed your eyes and trusted, just trusted
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
The thunder before the lightning, and the breath before the phrase
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
Your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
The breath before the kiss and the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
You called me sugar

No no no no no no

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
Will it ever get better than tonight? 



There is only so much criticism one person can take in a day....

When I've been asked to do something I generally hop right on that horse and get it done and when I haven't got the correct information I tend to start asking questions- like any normal person.

I have now been asked to log all our quotes and orders we have done this year onto a new system that we are using- problem being I've only been quoting since the end of February... I haven't got the correct information that I need to log it all onto the system - so I ask...

I have had my head bitten off in several different ways this morning and frankly I am done, I have had enough of pompous british idiots who expect me to smell the information that I need. Then when I start getting angry because I cant get anything done I'm told I'm acting like a 5 year old...

I can officially say that this is the end of the road- as soon as I find other work I'm out of here even if I get a counter offer from this place- I refuse to be treated like dirt. I have been saying for a while that should I find another job I'd leave but i always thought well if they can better the off there's a chance I'll stay- not anymore... I'm finished, klaar , kaput.

15 May 2014

Venting because I can

I can't deal with idiots!

I hate it when people are so stupid they can't figure out the little things for themselves- for instance a particular sales person that I am now forced to deal with on a daily basis- he can't figure out that if a certain part is now obsolete he has to use the replacement part... According to him however I have to check what I'm doing ... IDIOTS!

There are few things that get my blood boiling as much as retards do but for future reference I have drawn up a list:

-Incorrect Grammar
-Delayed response from service consultants
-Stupid questions
-Stupid assumptions
-Incorrect usage of words
-Loud breathing or chewing of any kind

Now if anyone that reads this does any of the above we know that they're just asking for a high five... in the face... with a chair!

I needed to vent...

The Spider from Hell

The other night I was sitting at home on my bed (which doubles as my lounge) in a state of undress when I noticed a movement on my bedside table. Not thinking straight, I stuck my head next to my bed to have a look at what it was...

What it was, was the spider from hell- he was huge and hairy and just plain ugly. I grabbed my phone meaning to get a picture- because I knew people would dispute the size of this thing- I probably looked away for a second and he disappeared. 

Now if you know anything about spiders at all you'll know that theres only one thing worse than finding a spider in your apartment- LOSING IT!! I hopped off my bed and ran (more like took 2 large steps) into my kitchen, where I systematically contacted everyone I knew who would know what to do in situations like these...

My conversations with said people all basically went the same way -

Me: "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god theres this thing here and now its just gone- JUST GONE and I don't know where the hell it went... OH MY GOD what do I do????"

Other Person: <death by laughter>

By this time I'm hopping up and down in my kitchen in my underwear almost in tears. That's when mr disgusting spider re-appears on my wall... I get the Target from my kitchen cupboard- run at it (this means hopping on my bed because of course mr spider had to go perch in the corner of my wall and my roof) spray the bejesus out of it and run the hell back into my kitchen where I stood watching it...

This happened a whole couple of times, until the damn thing finally gave up the fight and slipped down my wall onto the floor next to my bed where it proceeded to die (after I finished a bottle of Target on it down there too).

I'm an aunty!

So in December last year I became an Aunt, Her name is Zoe-Jane Swanepoel and she's the cutest most amazing little darling I have ever seen (my unbiased opinion of course). My brother is a proud father now and his wife a glowing mom. My mom is so excited to be a granny and I love seeing her so happy.

My little Zoe is awesome, if you dont believe me have a look!

14 May 2014


I didn't realise I was in love with "Mr Mysterious" until it was too late for either one of us to do anything about it.

I was always talking about him, everyone could see I was besotted over this much much older man but I couldn't- until I was told that he was leaving for good, hopping on a plane and never coming back.

A couple days after I had this mini-revelation of mine, I told him how badly he sucked, I wrote him a long "Grey's Anatomy" type speech and let him know exactly what he'd done, I ended it off by saying, "you suck because you've stolen my heart and now you're leaving with it." Yep I was that corny but I didn't give a damn- I was hurt and felt he needed to know.

I never took the time to ask if he ever had the same feelings or not because I was too scared of the answer, what would I do if he'd said, "No Des, I really don't, you're like a little sister to me..." I would be even more crushed than I am now! No, Think it best that I let bygones be bygones and keep my friendship intact.

Regarding my life in Johannesburg (I've completely gotten side tracked here)- I moved into my own place on the 1st of December last year and I'm now enjoying my independance... Life is a little tough at this point in time but I will get through it :-)

"You And Me"

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words
You got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

Something about you now
I can't quite figure out
Everything he does is beautiful
Everything he does is right

'Cause it's you and me and all of the people with nothing to do, nothing to lose
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

And me and all of the people with nothing to do and nothing to prove
And it's you and me and all of the people
And I don't know why I can't keep my eyes off of you

What day is it?
And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

Not sure why but this song always makes me think of "Mr Mysterious" (which is why I changed the "she" to "he"), maybe its because I never could keep my eyes off him, maybe because in my mind he's the closest I've gotten to true love but maybe I'm idolising him- making him perfect in my mind despite his imperfections... 

He knows how I feel but he's gone now, 14 hours by plane- not the type of relationship my heart could handle.

The Next One

Right so I ended last time in saying that I no longer want to kill my ex....

This I suppose was a very trying time for me, I was still living in my uncle's house and sharing a room with my gran so I could have no alone time to just grieve for the loss of my relationship- which in case you didn't know is something every female needs when the person she thinks is the love of her life just walks out without a second glance.

I then met a guy I'll named Raymond (I'm sure if you know me you'll know who this is), a nice guy - down to earth and funny and within 2 weeks I was convinced I was in love. I spoke to my mom about him and of course as always mother knows best- she told me he was just a rebound, a week later I realised this for myself and ended things with Raymond.

Through all this time I was still working like a slave for a company I was getting frustrated with and a perv of a boss. There was however one person who always tried his best to make me smile when I was having a bad day or when I was in a foul mood- "Mr Mysterious".

He was an enormous man with an even bigger heart, he was (obviously) mysterious and flirtatious and quite frankly an awesome friend. He knew what my boss was like and would help me by just letting me vent to him when I needed to.

He worked on the opposite side of the office and was mostly on the road seeing customers but when I needed him, I'd text him and he'd be there- he was the next guy I fell for, completely different to my ex and Raymond but he was what I needed and desperately wanted.


13 May 2014

My first months in Joburg

Okay, so this is my first post...

I tried this once before but I think then I was too young to actually grasp what a blog was all about, now being 20 I think I can grasp the responsibility this page leaves me with.

Well here goes, as mentioned before I'm 20 years old... I've been living in Joburg for 9 months now- I've had my heart broken, I've fallen in love and unfortunately had my heart broken again... So I think I'll officially start this page by talking about when I had just moved to Joburg and see how it progresses.

I moved here in on the 19th of July, my boyfriend at that time drove me up from Durban and it was heart-wrenchingly sad to leave my mom and him behind. To begin with I moved in with my uncle and his family, his wife, her child, my gran and then my uncle's child was there on weekends- it was terrible.
I was never mistreated as such I just hated living there and hated their style of doing most things- such as supper, it was never a hearty home cooked meal but always processed food (even the veggies when we had them).

About a month into my living in Joburg my boyfriend came up and moved in with his brother, 2 weeks later he ended things with me. I was shattered. A week after that happened he fetched his things and again I was completely broken- I had been with this guy for 1 and a half years and here he was smiling at me sympathetically because he'd broken my heart. Urghhhhhh. It angers me now to think of it but not so much that I want to kill him anymore.

That's how I'll end this entry I think.

Maybe I'll skim over my highlights of living in Joburg for the first couple of entries, this being one of them...

Goodbye for now <3